The Life I Want Feels a Little Embarrassing to Admit
I’ve been editing my dreams into something I can explain
I’ve been thinking about this idea that I haven’t actually let go of what I want, I’ve just made it sound more reasonable.
The honest version is this. I want to wake up to the sound of waves, not visit them. I don’t want it to be a Saturday thing or something I plan around. I want it to be my normal. I want to live by the beach and write full-time.
And when I say it like that, it immediately feels like too much. Not because it is, but because of everything it bumps up against in my real life. I have two kids in middle school, a husband, a dog, a career, and no clear path from here to there.
So I don’t usually say it like that. I say a softer version. Something that sounds more thought out, more responsible, more realistic.
That’s what I’ve realized I’ve been doing in general. I’m not killing the dream, I’m editing it. Keeping the general idea but removing the parts that feel inconvenient or hard to explain.
And if I’m being honest, it’s not just about logistics. It’s about risk.
Because once you admit what you actually want, you lose the ability to pretend you weren’t that attached to it. And if it doesn’t happen, that kind of disappointment is harder to brush off. It feels more personal.
So it’s easier to keep things in a version you can survive. Someday. Later. When the timing makes more sense.
But here’s the part I don’t say out loud very often.
I don’t actually know what I’m willing to give up for that life.
I like my stability. I like knowing how my days are structured. I like the version of my life that works, even if it’s not exactly what I would choose if I started from scratch.
So now I’m sitting with a different question.
Do I want that life enough to rearrange things for it, or do I just like the idea of being someone who has it?
Because those are not the same thing.
And I think a lot of us hide behind “it’s not realistic right now” when the real answer is we’re not ready to deal with what it would require.
I don’t have a clean answer yet, but I do know this.
I’ve been making my life easier to explain instead of more aligned with what I actually want.
And that feels like something I can’t keep ignoring.