I’m Pretty Sure My Friend Is A Racist
I Question Whether We Were Truly Friends If For Her, BLM Is A Nuisance And “Defund The Police” Is Nonsense.
I Question Whether We Were Truly Friends If For Her, BLM Is A Nuisance And “Defund The Police” Is Nonsense.
We met in college but became much closer afterward. She helped me by using her knowledge and influence during a life-or-death situation. I wonder now, as I examine our friendship, how close could we have been? When I think of the ultimate measure — the tentative guest list for my destination wedding, where I crossed off people with whom I did not have a close, significant relationship, her and her husband’s names remained (the wedding didn’t happen, but that’s a story best shared over wine!). I question whether we were truly friends if, for her, BLM is a nuisance and “defund the police” is nonsense.
How is it that we were friends — from sharing countless bottles of wine to holding her newborns — and she did not imagine it was me when she heard of what happened to Breonna Taylor? How could she not think “that could have been my friend” when she hears of what happened to Sandra Bland?
The truth of the matter is that she can be racist and be friends with me, a Black woman. Subtyping is the process by which we accommodate for a set of people who do not fit in with our stereotypes; we think of these people as a special category with different characteristics from others in their group. Subtypes are exceptions to the group. So my friend probably sees Black people as monolithic, perhaps even deviant; but sees me as different, as dynamic, as a good person, and as fun (obvi).
Where does that leave us? It is not my responsibility to bear the burden of trying to change her mind or to argue her down. If she was interested in learning more or in being better, she would make an effort or at least ask a question. Unfortunately, knowing her true beliefs and knowing that they will be passed to her sons, I have to walk away from our friendship. I’ll mourn the loss, be grateful for the good parts, and shuck all of my psychological training to remain hopeful that others like her who have experiences with people that disprove their beliefs will be more thoughtful and come to better conclusions.
By Renee Clarke and Shaunte Young